Excerpt and adaptation of journal entry –Nov, 2006
-Life in abundance-
A friend said to me once, as we considered the question, that singleness appears the better choice; He, however, made the other choice. (To be fair –I think he may have been talking about my circumstances, from my angle, and not referring to or repenting of his own circumstances.) I think he said so, however, in view the opportunity and freedom of the single’s life. But I was caused to think that if a person had had the courage and discipline and vision for the advantages of singleness, he/she would also have that courage, discipline, and vision for fullness of married circumstances. Further, if we would have been in such a mindset and discipline, we would find or develop a relationship where such things were honoured; and in such circumstances, the married life would not even have adopted some of those hindrances to begin with. Do not complain about circumstances chosen or un-chosen for if we don’t have the courage to do the right or good now, why do we think we would if we our circumstances were reversed, or if we were given another chance? This is why “today is the day of salvation, and now …..” (2 Cor 6:1-2). For there are not decisions more eternal then the smallest decisions we make today about being honest, or being true, about disciplining ourselves, or facing reality, about repenting and suffering consequences, about paying our debts, and turning the other cheek: about trusting in God’s goodness and grace towards us…

My decision about marriage, therefore, is to live each moment in thankfulness and praise to God. Doing what I do with all my heart: with willingness, courage, and sincerity. I will be honest in my communication and I will trust God so much that it will appear that I trust other people through my vulnerability and sincerity. I will laugh and cry, but I will live life fully because I have both direction and hope from God. Therefore I discipline myself and rest.
Therefore I will enjoy the people in my life and serve them. I will do this as a single or married person. Who is brave enough to marry me? This person would have to be like minded, or, hearted. In this relationship the differences of gifts and personality are an asset and joy for the journey. This is how the body of Christ will (and does in certain ways now) operate.


Excerpt form correspondence: Jan. 2007 –Cupid Theory-
Hello Everyone,

…You guys remember Maria de Jesus, right? I have a crush on her. I think it is rather foolish to pursue, but I want to. What do you think? Have I ever explained to you my Cupid theory on marriage? Well, I am sure you’ll find it enlightening, so let me explain:

Clearly marriage is an unreasonable commitment. I think that there isn’t anyone who can understand what it actually means and decide to go ahead and do it anyway. Besides being willing to do it, the odds are so slim of having one person love another in this way and be loved in return by the same person: And at the same time!! I observe marriages and am completely silenced with wonder of how some of these people ever hook up. Why them? Why then?
So, clearly, there is a cupid, a divinely appointed spirit of God that darts people out of, or (I’m not sure) possibly into their senses enough to make such a leap! It is clearly much more of a faith and hope decision then I have courage to make on my own.

Convinced? I often used this theory very comically, but it has influenced often as a single person to enjoy my circumstances and relieve anxiety.

And I think that I am experiencing something like this now, because I am falling for Maria, and I think she kinda digs me too!? Clearly this is a miracle.

I don’t know for sure what will come of this, truly, perhaps just another experience. There are many things about this that I do not understand or know. All the details about life and living and future are rather unknown. So I am shy about this, but moving on.

Love,

Brother John



Excerpt from correspondence: Feb 18th, 2007: from Chiquila, Quintana Roo
Together with my parents I am presently in the Cancun area of Mexico and we are on the sprint stretch of our one month preaching marathon through these parts. We were invited this second time to come and we have had a local pastor manage and organize our time here. My Dad is now quite tired from all the ministering but God continues to provide daily a message that blesses the listeners. I myself have preached once (alone) and gave two talks on the subject of missions and the church to students at a Bible school. It has been a really great trip. For the struggles and weariness that we have had, we have also had true blessings. Still, we feel very ready to be going back home to Vera Cruz…

…The last 5 months have not been easy for me. Part of it, as well, is that I am experiencing so many challenges and adjustments to my personal life, my faith, and my outlook on the world and the church. I have such a desire to express my energy and to serve, but I am limited. Language is part, but also I am continually shocked at how little I understand. Whether I was right or not, I don’t know yet, but I experienced a level of control over my life in Canada in that I could foresee through observation and perception what would be the outcome of this or that. And everyday I was independent enough that I had considerable amount of control in maintaining the outlook that I had. Here I have felt so lost for things just don’t happen the way I expect them to. –‘Waiting” has been the theme of much of my journals and prayers. I can see that I am being shaped, but I haven’t been given vision yet for what that shape might be. In the mean time, I am learning to help my parents and serve others in the smallest things, for the biggest ministry I have here, I think, is simply being here -for I know that the influence that each of us (my parents and I) have in Hueyapan is very important to that place. Just us being there gives people so much more hope and energy than when we are not there. Also, in the ministry that my parents have (evangelism and preaching) my presence is for them a powerful testimony that compliments the spoken message. Amongst the things that I do, the activities of my day, this “being here” is my strongest ministry. The only issue with this is that I still have a lot of mental energy that needs positive expression. My day to day life is not as satisfying for me personally as I desire it to be.
This is the deeper journey of our lives here. There are many positive things to share as well (and I share only some of that in the blogs), but I share this experience because this is the sort of mental preparation I could have used before I left…
…Speaking, teaching, or preaching is a very new option for me (and even yet it is a bold thing to do) because my Spanish is just now barely sufficient for the task. I found it very satisfying to have preached on my own the other day because I felt I had been able to work, even just a bit, for the food that I was eating: A few days later after my second session at the Bible school I lost that pleasure to questions about communication, the impact of words and ideas… I am still searching for fulfillment…
…One other thing that I have been experiencing here is the alter call. Every service has an alter call for those that want to respond to the message and seek prayer. My mom and I help my dad in laying a hand on each individual and praying for them. It was in this that a question was answered one day: all these people we have met (some of them at least) who are pastoring 4-5 churches each, they do it because of love and compassion. I don’t always want to go up again and pray for 15 people, but always I do it again because when I do I find that I do have great compassion for them. In this I find satisfaction not in the work of my hands or expression of my abilities or energies, but in lifting open hands to God who alone can bring relief and healing and life to this hearts, lives, and families…
…I came to Mexico with two main goals: to help my parents, and to learn. The vision to help my parents requires more character than I have had; I am, no doubt, learning and growing in character -a deep journey… And how fortunate I am!…
…The restlessness in your lives may influence you to make decisions for your lives that are bold and daring, and God uses that; but the fulfillment of the restlessness always comes from inside out, right? I believe (in faith) that God has been with me in the life altering decisions I have made recently (particularly the move to Mexico, and the pursuing of Mari Chui) and that they will turn out for the good. But at times I question the wisdom of those decisions. I stand firm however believing that the real good that will come from this is the work of God in my life at the level of my faith and love for him, compassion and attitude towards others.
It is true that my vulnerable circumstances are fertile ground for this inner growth. But if they fell into my lap then really wisdom and character would have the value that they do have for life and eternity.
If nothing else, this writing things out has done me good…
I do have a great desire to come home to Canada and meet with everyone. I do expect that those meetings will not be so satisfying as I would imagine them to be now, but even through that, through seeing that life goes on for people, I will be able to leave again with a lighter heart...
John

March 01, 2007 Wedding Announcemnt!
What can I say? Let me get to the point. Maria de Jesus and I have agreed and will be married, God willing, on March 31, 2007. I am kinda surprised too! But we love each other deeply. We have a beautiful story we have to tell. We are deeply convinced we are responding appropriately to the work of God in our lives. Our lives and expressions are deeply compatible based on our common faith, our friendship and respect for each other and the clear vision we each have for our lives. Simple and honest, what more should I say?

2006-03-14 –Cannot express, but I can believe…

Phil 1:6 ...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I humble myself before God, acknowledging my limitations and accepting the direction that he gives to go on or to make a change to our plans to marry. I have expressed myself in a variety of different ways to people here, and I have responded to each question with remarkable presence of mind, clarity and conviction, and I am satisfied; but some others still don’t understand. Actually, I think they have understood for in each response they have nodded their head in understanding -they just couldn’t believe.

Chui and I do believe. I can express some of these things in words about why we have this peace and faith (and I love to reflect on these things) but I am humbled in the end to realize that I cannot communicate this understanding, nor can I communicate in my words the trust that I have in God for the things I don’t understand, and I think this inability to communicate is not due to lack of reason, but hard and defensive hearts at the receiving end. -Saying so I am not being critical or judgemental for I am deeply empathetic even now to this defensiveness and doubt in the heart. But I’ll try to express it this way: I feel that in my heart (I mean the place of deepest consciousness and conviction) there is great pressure for the blessings of God revealed in my life of late. My heart (faith and understanding) under this pressure will in time be enlarged (deepened) to accommodate the contents –this is a process of maturation. Later this pressure in my heart will eased but not due to removal, but due to expansion of my character, my faith, and my mind. I will be expanded and able to receive more, again.
This is the journey Chui and I are on and I believe that this is a work of God in our lives, initiated by God, and we trust that He “will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ” –the day we are both looking to the horizon.

In this I receive rest in the burden I have had for others to understand; for time and maturation in us and around us is what is needed. But for the pressure of joy within me I cannot help but express the goodness and faithfulness of God! The sharing of these things in vulnerability is part of the maturation. This writing is my form of expression, not everyone will relate. But in April I hope to share this story with many of you by simply spending time with you in celebration and everyday life. I think it will make more sense to you then.

John

2007-01-11 excerpt form journal entry
Dear Father, I feel that I am entering a year of Jubilee. The anticipation I have is excitement and joy. When I look into the eyes of Maria, I feel like I am coming home. I feel that the I am being established and affirmed and encouraged for what is our mutual journey to our real home in un-distracted presence of our Father in heaven. This is a hand in hand fellowship -heart and mind, faith and action partnership unto the fulfillment of our hope and joy when that journey ends. Praise be to You, Oh God! Amen.